The Faux-tivational Speaker

Some people insist that it’s “too soon” for Hindenburg jokes. Those people are 110-year-old Nazis. 

Suck it, 110-year-old Nazis.

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10 LATE-NIGHT ACTIVITIES FOR INSOMNIACS

You know those days when you just want to close your eyes, swaddle your slackened limbs in an overstuffed cocoon of quilted linens and slumber forever? Well I have the opposite of those days. Luckily for you, when life gave me insomnia, I made insomniaid.

So the next time you pull an all-nighter, whether it’s for work, a family crisis, or an unexpected guarana overdose, just consult this list of activities to create hours of emotionless entertainment for you and, well, no one else. 

1. Tuvan throat singing in your bathroom at 4:00 a.m. is always a soothing treat. Tile floors and/or walls add professional-sounding reverb and your neighbors actually appreciate you sharing your talent. It’s only when you bottle it all up inside that they get disappointed and call the police.

2. You know that cool app where you can leave a voicemail for someone without actually having to call them? Do that to everyone you know, but not before taking an Ambien and reading your high school senior yearbook. (Yes, the one without any signatures.)

3. During warmer months you can throw a pebble high into the air and bats will swoop down after it thinking it’s a moth. Capture the bats with a fishing net and then try to sell them as service animals at your local ethnic market. (Any ethnic market will do, but be wary of Romanians.)

4. Put on a dog costume, go for a walk, and poop on your street while everyone’s asleep. (Note: Be sure to pick up your mess and dispose of it responsibly. You’re not an animal.)

5. Invent something with your own chemistry experiments! Simply mix all the solvents and cleaning supplies in your home with all the things you’re not supposed to mix them with. Breathe deeply - you’ve earned it!

6. Dress up like Anne Frank and haunt the neighbor’s kids. (Not the Jewish neighbors. That’s just mean.)

7. Make your own silver bullets and go werewolf hunting in your neighborhood storm drains. If you can’t find any werewolves, just shoot the person that looks most like a werewolf. It’s better than coming home empty-handed.

8. Put your Ambien in your Adderall bottle and put your Adderall in your Ambien bottle! Crazy, right?! Afterwards, realize that you’ve broken into a pharmacy. Be sure to exit before the police arrive. (Safety first.)

9. Recreate real homicide crime-scene photos using only the following materials: pulled pork, overcooked lasagna noodles, sweetbreads, and artificially thickened plum sauce. 

10. Pretend to fall asleep on the street. When a police officer approaches to beat and/or arrest you for vagrancy, laugh at him and reveal that you have insomnia. He’ll feel pretty silly, I can tell you. They always do.

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©2012 thefauxtivationalspeaker.com 

Childhood Anxiety #42

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Childhood Anxiety #11

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Childhood Anxiety #164

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Actually, it’s a pearl with a girl-with-a-pearl-earring, or, if you’d prefer, a pearl with a girl-with-a-pearl-earring earring. Either way, your brain no longer works.

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